Independence many times can bring loneliness and pain. These past few weeks, I've had a difficult time and I could not really put my finger on what was really wrong. My mind was going crazy. I had thoughts invading my mind and telling things like, "You'd be better off alone" "You should book a ticket and fly somewhere where no one will know and will never find you." Many lies came to my mind about my marriage, my children and the ministry, even about God's faithfulness and God's love. I would read my Bible and although God would encourage me, the same thoughts would come back at me. I thought I was going crazy. The thought that kept on plagging my mind was that I should start doing things myself if they were not getting done. I couldn't keep waiting on God or my husband to do things when I was very capable of doing these things alone.
This independent sprit then started to bring over some ugly friends, loliness and depression. As I was reading one day, God revealed to me the battle that was raging against my soul. It was war to keep me from the place that God wanted for me. I'm not saying that independence is a bad thing but that when it rivals against unity in the home and God himself then there is a big problem. We are beings created for realtionship. A relationship that God craves and we are granted to have with Him in Christ Jesus. Wanting to start acting out of desperation because of any reason is not good. It only brings more trouble than we bargain for. I remember crying out to God one day and asking Him for an answer, He said, "Hang on a bit more, you're breakthrough is coming!" It was so relieving to know that He wasn't mad with me for thinking such thoughts. He understood and He was right beside me helping me fight. I thought He was so distant because I couldn't hear Him at times but He was in fact closer than before. As a true gentleman, he waited until I called out to him and came to rescue me in love.
"Why are you so downcast, oh my soul? And why are you so disquieted within me? Hope in God. For I shall yet praise Him. The help of my countenance and my God" Psalms 42:11
